you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
