We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
