just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
