I am in a vortex of obligation.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
