I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
