and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
