now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
