Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
