How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
