made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
