She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
