plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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