I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
