i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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