I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
