I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
