I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
God, I missed his penis.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
