I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize