I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
