Im at strip club and am horny
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
