Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
