Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
