she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
