And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
