Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
