he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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