You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
