My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
