Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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