Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
