I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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