I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
