I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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