i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
