dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I need water and some morals
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
