Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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