Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The power of my boobs compel you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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