i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
