I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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