Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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