I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
