not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
