someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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