so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
