I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
