The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
