My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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