White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
