Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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