She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
