It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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