hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
