Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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