my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
