i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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