I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
