??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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