The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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