I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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