I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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